In my mind our relationship feels like a daily fight over sone stupid misunderstanding that we usually get over so we can end the day with lovey dovey stuff. But the next day we seem to have another fight over a similar issue but with basically the same resolution. When things are good they are very very good. When things are bad they are horrid. I don’t feel like I bring you joy. When you came to me it was with talk about how you wrent being true to yourself or doing things that make you happy. Well you may be more yourself, but when I read your DMs & hear your voice I find it hard to believe that i’m aiding your quest got happiness at all. I’m a pain in your ass; you said it yourself. I cause you grief, I make demands, I pressure you to do things. And I don’t understand your love for me. Maybe I was a catalyst for change in your life, but that doesn’t mean you have to keep me around for good. I am unsure whether you love me for what I bring out in you or you love me out of a sense of duty. Am I just one more thing in your life that you “should” be doing?
Secret Truth
I have secrets.
I need to get them out.
Submit yourself
I worry…. - email draft 06/14/10
lost - email draft 6/14/10
It feels like I’ve broken us beyond repair. I should have expected the
end to come because of my overreaction to something, my running away
coping mechanism & my obvious inability to give anyone the benefit of
the doubt. I thought we were going to be ok. I thought that I was
worth it. But it’s finally time for me to grow up & admit that I ask
for too much, hell, I demand too much. And I’m unwilling to give even
the tiniest piece of my self back in return. I kept you at a distance,
thinking I could protect myself. I was wrong. I’m still here at the
end curled up in pain, wracked by guilt & blame. I protected myself so
well that I never opened my soul to you, but it’s been destroyed all
the same. I think it hurts worse because of the shock. I didn’t think
I was vulnerable. But just because my mind saw me as strong and
fearless that doesn’t mean my heart didn’t betray me & get attached,
dependent, addicted to you
waiting but can’t wait - email draft 5/26/10 - never sent
I need more. Immediately. I have to take care of myself here & now.
Waiting for you might be doable if I was in a safe secure mental/
emotional place, but I am not. There is too much doubt in my career,
in my finances, in my future, to go without a real partner. Having you
in theory but not in practice is worse than being on my own to deal
with life.
You are unavailable. You are married, still living with your wife, not
having taken any steps towards a divorce except seeing a therapist.
You talk about living “at home” thru the summer, which makes me fear
you’ll never actually leave. I can’t wait forever.
Hell, I can’t even wait 4-6 weeks. And not just for sex. But for the
intimacy. For the reassurance. For the comforting. I deserve more and
I deserve better. Unless you can magically begin to play a bigger role
in my life right now, I don’t see how I can justify putting myself
thru this everyday.
Joey Tribbiani
(via early-onset-of-night)
I own every season of FRIENDS on DVD and I play them on a constant rotation. Sometimes I actually watch the TV and try to notice new things in the episodes. Sometimes I just listen to the TV and learn to repeat the lines with the exact same inflection and intonation as the original characters. Sometimes I let it play while I’m falling asleep. I’ve never had a dream about anyone from FRIENDS. It’s like my brain, even my subconscious brain, knows that they are not real, that I will never be a part of their dynamic & none of them are especially sexy.
I can finish the entire series in about 10 days. Once, I loaned out a few seasons and felt incredibly lost when I couldn’t keep my loop of mindless 90s sitcom going. It must say something about me that I love this TV show. Surely whatever it is that draws me into every 24 minute episode is a reflection of some facet of my life. But for the life of me I can’t figure it out. Can you?
Even though we made the decision together, and even though I know it was the absolute right thing to do, sometimes I wonder if we would still be together if I had remained pregnant. What if I had behaved like the wives/girlfriends of every other guy we knew, and blackmailed you into staying with me? Would you have resented me? Would you have been a good father? Would you have risen to the responsibility or made me be the one to do all the hard work?
Are you going to have a baby with someone else? Are you going to have a baby with *her*? A whore that already “accidentally” got pregnant to keep a man. Will you fall for the same trick? Could you be happy that way? Could I be happy for you?
My mind is made up. We didn’t need to have a baby. My body is made up. It survived the procedure and the painful recovery. My choice is made. Abortion was the right answer.
I learned to cut from an episode of “House MD.” Yes, I’m *that* susceptible to television. The high powered successful female executive cut herself to manage her stress. I thought to myself “I have stress, too.”
Cutting myself isn’t the worst thing I’ve done to my body with a razor blade.
